"I love extort! But all of my creatures are so weak and flimsy that I can't keep them on the board, they're hardly even chump blockers."
~Anonymous scrub.
Is this you? Do you want to drain your opponents into withered, cowering husks but can't stand the sight of your weak, sickly creatures blowing away in a stiff breeze?
Then put a Heliod's Maximum Gains Gym in your evil lair today!
Every Heliod's Maximum Gains Gym comes with access to personal training from the big man himself, Heliod, Sun-Crowned! His rates are crazy so you'll want to keep your creatures extorting your enemies with a Crypt Ghast or two to keep up with those dues. Be sure to bless them with a Heliod's Iron Abs Treatment (sometimes known as Blessing of Leeches [trademark dispute pending]), to keep them healthy and hex free. The glory of your minions new abs from our patented fat sucking leeches will keep them rising day after day to praise the Sun.
Heliod can sometimes get lost in the zone of eternal reps so be sure to Beseech the Queen at the front desk whenever you can. She'll get you whatever you need if you take her out to see all your property, chicks love swamps and endless fields of grass. Movies and spring break taught me that little gem.
Every creature in your evil army will swell to Godzilla level proportions, giving Eldrazi wedgies in the hallways of void high. But while your sensitive little flowers become hydra wrestling behemoths you'll need to keep your base defended from the hoards of vegans frothing in jealous rage of your impending godly physique.
Which is why all Heliod's Maximum Gains Gyms come with built in point defense systems consisting mostly of disintegrating beams (I once saw one of these things turn a dude into dust and then a whole forest just popped up right where he used to be, it was crazy), and shows of lifting power that Thoughtseize their minds and leave them in Agonizing Remorse of their flabby lesser existence. The training necessary to wield such power will push you to your limits, but no pain no gain... Am I right?
So get your spindly little girly creatures into a Heliod's Maximum Gains Gym, and crush your enemies with a single flex of their glorious new biceps today! Your god will never abandon you, as long as you can pay.
