...What if everything you ever wanted in a Magic deck...
...came...
...in...
...a...
Now with all new flavors like "Ambiguity", "Burning Cinder Fury of Crimson Chaos Fire", and Sorry!
The upkeep step game you'll invent because you'll be too energetic for normal upkeep steps! You'll feel like a fighter jet made of biceps! These aren't your dad's biceps, they're turbo biceps, made of real muscle from flipping that Spatula of the Ages all the time!
"Lord Goblin Tutor, why have you forsaken me?"
Can it! A wise Keeper of the Sacred Word once said "you're not winning unless someone sharts while laughing.", and at Richard Garfield, Ph.D.'s Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we pride each other on every student who can sing "Now I Know My ABC's", and with our help, you'll be able to sing it too! So pick yourself off the floor and prepare to Number Crunch your way to victory!
Meet Your Instructor, Professor Yidris, Dank Wielder
Another wise man named Macho Man Randy Savage, who also goes by the name of Timmy, Power Gamer, once told me that "Hulkamania is like a single grain of sand in the Sahara desert that is Macho Madness". OK, he didn't tell it to me, I just heard it on television when I was 7, but we're going to take a 99-card stroll through that Macho Madness desert and train in a gravity sphere like Goku until we're ready to scream Incoming! and take our enemies to Pound Town!
Your Weight Lifting Regimen:
Old Fogey can be repeatedly brought back to our hand with Name Dropping if he died of old age (or stab wounds), but also with Number Crunch, the bouncy spell that everyone hates to love! Monkey Monkey Monkey likes to play with token decks, Goblin S.W.A.T. Team helps in team building exercises while distracting people from noticing our other underhanded tactics, B-I-N-G-O can easily turn into a 73/73 trampler after just a few turns, Greater Morphling can finish anyone off who's at or below 20'ish life, the Demonic Mouselings can beat in or ping people, and Curse of the Fire Penguin is a wonderful way to remove someone's commander and end up with a 6/5 trampling Fire Penguin!
But Professor Dank, What If I Can't Lift Weights Good?
Excellent question, Johnny, Combo Player! You can win through combos! Let me show you a few!
All you need do is name your poor, nameless shapeshifting __ creature guy to "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" while singing Now I Know My ABC's to win the game! You can also let people do all the wonderful fun stuff they want with Mine, Mine, Mine! or Incoming!, and then steal it from them with Mirror Mirror so they can get a good, hard look at their deck! Free-for-All also helps redistribute wealth in a way that any democratic socialist would appreciate! Flock of Rabid Sheep and The Ultimate Nightmare of Wizards of the Coast® Cu are excellent mana dumps for Mox Lotus, and Pygmy Giant teaches people the harsh truth about jokingly competitive Magic by doming them in the head for 487 (thanks, nameless flavor text guy!).
This Deck is Dumb...
I know, it's not for everyone. But by the mighty Pointy Finger of Doom (which works great when attached to a fidget spinner), having Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth in play and playing Landfill naming Swamp is pretty rad ;-)
Speaking of "Rad"....Gotcha!
"There once was a player named Quinn, who consistently managed to win. Until he got singed, playing Unhinged, getting Gotcha'd again and again."
Gotcha lets you return a card from your graveyard to your hand if an opponent says a key word. For example, Spell Counter goes back to your hand if someone says "spell" or "counter" at any time. In the same cycle of cards, Kill! Destroy! is repeatable removal, and Number Crunch isrepeatable bounce. I know, it sounds absurd, and it really is...but wait, there's more! With Name Dropping, EVERY spell in your deck gains the Gotcha! It plays out exactly how you think, and in multiplayer games...whew, it's downright amazing. Remember being in those games where someone's like "Hey, guys, can anyone deal with this? If not...we're fucked."
Well, you are fucked no longer, dear friends. Just politely ask your cohorts to literally say the "magic word" and you can be the sole purveyor of counterspells and death, at the beck and call of the table. Really, it's a feelsgoodman kind of thing.
OK, So...what else?
Well, I mean, we have some of the coolest spells in the game, just as ridonculous as everything else. Try these pants on for size!
Ever wanted to have a staring contest to see if you can kill a creature? Eye to Eye is the name of the game, dude. Want to make jokes about impotence, but never found the right moment? Flaccify has you covered. Loose Lips don't always sink ships, you say? They do now, especially when you Censorship the word Sorry and add the words "Kill Spell 69" into the sentence ("sorry sorry sorry Kill Spell 69 sorry sorry"). The number of people who get it wrong by saying "sorry" three times before and after the "kill spell 69" is hilarious, because not only do you get to draw your two cards, but they also take 12-24 damage, depending on what word-support you have out! Not only can your Greater Morphling fly and kill someone accidentally, but we don't even have to hit our swans to draw some cards!
If you really want to be an asshole, Checks and Balances is amazing with Sorry and Censorship out...let's just say that anyone can counter anything, but they're going to pay dearly for it...especially if they say "sorry" to the person they just Sorry'd...while you sit back and not play anything!
Does this even work?
Sort of. Ricochet and Gleemax (which can be cheated in with Spatula of the Ages and Incoming!, if not just paid for with Mox Lotus) can let us control targeted abilities, and with repeatable counters, we can (hopefully) prevent board wipes long enough to win.
And remember...by "win" I mean, "someone sharts while laughing".
Have a nice day.
But seriously, C&C welcome. I'm having a blast playing this deck.
