KrazyCaley & miinor_threat Present: The Top 10 Champions of Flavor Text

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KrazyCaley

2 August 2010

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The Top 10 Champions of Flavor Text

miinor_threat says:

"My name is Miinor Threat and I am a recovering Vorthos. What can I say, I'm an addict, but the first step is always admitting you have a problem. I love flavor text, I love backstory. Aesthetic and theme are always an essential element of the decks I build. The imagination behind the Magic universe used exist only in the flavor text, we have to pay it its dues."

KrazyCaley says:

"With that in mind, join us as we take a trip to examine the top 10 all-time flavor text champions, those awesome souls who have won us over with their compelling italics prose."

Honorable Mentions

- Urza -

miinor_threat says: "If there is one, Urza is THE character of Magic. He was there at the beginning, in the flavor text about the Brother's War, and was a constant in Magic for decades. He is almost literary. He is a tragic figure that transcends his humanity, only to become vulnerable and weary. He was a god, but also the most human of almost any character in the Magic canon. He speaks often in his flavor text but more often it was about him, telling us his story. His flavor text was not always the most funny or well written, but he definitely deserves an honorable mention. My favorite is Urza's Armor."

KrazyCaley says: "Urza deserves an honorable mention for sheer quantity. The man is basically the closest thing Magic has to an overall protagonist, and as such he is on a very large number of cards, talking about the Legacy, Gerrard, Mishra, Phyrexia, and all sorts of other junk. I've never been much impressed with his wit or badassness, though."

Miscelleaneous examples: Mind Over Matter, Confound, Dark Suspicions

- William Shakespeare -

KrazyCaley says: "William Shakespeare doesn't stop ruling the English language just because he's on a Magic card. His cards are from an era BEFORE Magic had a story, when flavor text was just bad literary quotes, except for his, of course. Usually appearing on Core Set or older cards, his mad prose gives even the crappiest cards an air of awesomeness. I mean, 'flavor text by Shakespeare' is the only thing Devouring Deep has going for it, really."

miinor_threat says: "Billy Shakes. Did you know this guy also wrote books!?"

Example cards: Cowardice, Darkness, Shimian Night Stalker

- Borborygmos

miinor_threat says: "Borborygmos is the epitome of subtlety. Never on a Magic card has flavor text of deeper intellectual and psychological significance been uttered in a more articulate and nuanced tone..."

KrazyCaley says: "All you need to know is in these cards. Read them in order:

Borborygmos

Wreak Havoc

Protean Hulk"

And now onto the top 10.

10 - Lord of the Pit

"My summoning begins your debt, planeswalker."

KrazyCaley says: "I loved seeing the Divine vs. Demonic reprint not only because the classic Lord of the Pit got awesome art finally, but also for this piece of flavor text, which is one of my absolute favorites from Magical history. Lord of the Pit is not impressed that you are an all-powerful planeswalker and lets you know right up front that you better start feeding him, or he's going to whoop your ass."

miinor_threat says: "Lord of the Pit makes the top 10 because he talks s--t directly to you, the player. That's right, he's not insulting Gerrard or Squee or something, he is TALKING S--T TO YOU DIRECTLY. This is unprecedented and has never been repeated in MTG. This means to top him, the next card will have to insult your mom."

No example cards. Lord of the Pit is all you need to see.

9 - Tahngarth, Talruum Hero

"Nothing ruins your day like a blazing zombie."

miinor_threat says: "Tahngarth, Talruum Hero was like the Brock Samson of the Weatherlight crew. He was the heavy. His quotes are all aggressive, offensive, and make no bones about his dislike of Squee. Respect! A few favorites are Charging Rhino, Smash, and Deadapult."

KrazyCaley says: "Tahngarth is the poet-philosopher of the Weatherlight. He elaborates not only on the empirical qualities of the things he observes, the quintessential that-which-is at the heart of the things he sees, as in Flowstone Wyvern, but he also opines on ETHICS, on the moral SHOULDS of the universe, as with Merfolk Thaumaturgist. Truly a scholar and a gentleman."

Example cards- Tahngarth's Rage, Flowstone Wyvern

8 - Phage the Untouchable

Choose your next words carefully. They WILL be your last.

KrazyCaley says: "Phage is straight up evil. All the time, she's just killing stuff. I mean, look at that guy in Swat. Just look at that poor bastard. You KNOW that stings. Phage's evil comes across in her flavor text quotes, where she's completely sadistic and cruel, but in a fun, light-hearted kind of way. Plus she gets credit for doing a "300" parody in Cruel Edict's Divine v. Demonic printing."

miinor_threat says: "Phage is the original bi-atch of MTG. I mean just look at Phage the Untouchable. She is a bad mamma-jamma who swings harder than Elin Woods. Her flavor text is mostly dark, sometimes funny, and always really flavorful (which is the point, isn't it?) Some good examples are Blood Celebrant, and Doomed Necromancer."

Example cards- Cruel Edict, Smother.

7 - Jhoira of the Ghitu and Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir

"Teferi snapped his fingers, and the viashino started clucking like a chicken. Silly, yes, but exactly the thing we needed to break the stifling tension."

KrazyCaley says: "These two, who teamed up to perform the Mending, thereby saving the entire Multiverse, also form a hilarious tag team. If you think Ashton Kutcher pulled off some pranks, wait until Teferi gives you a time wedgie and turns you into a sheep while Jhoira casually teleports Emrakul, the Aeons Torn on top of your head as though he were a fine hat. It just goes to show that they have a fine sense of humor, as shown in Bewilder."

miinor_threat says: "Hey Caley, remember when Jhoira of the Ghitu and Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir teamed up to defeat Nicol Bolas? It was before Ajani Goldmane defeated Nicol Bolas. Man, it's hard to remember all the people who have embarrassed Nicol Bolas. Didn't Norin the Wary defeat him at some point? He probably could.

Nicol Bolas has been defeated so many times already he is basically like Cobra Commander. He is the least effective terrorist organization in the multiverse."

KrazyCaley says: "Look, Nicol Bolas only loses because he's the heel and has to throw the match at the end so that the screaming masses can have a happy ending. That's why Ajani even had a chance. Teferi winning is perfectly understandable, because look at Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir. THREE of those waterdrop symbols. Bolas only has ONE. And he's got the other, impure ones, too, including that Fireball one, which we all know sucks. So that's probably how Teferi won."

miinor_threat says: "I'm just sayin'. Scoreboard."

Example cards- Bewilder, Tinker, Ovinize

6 - Squee, Goblin Nabob

"Can't ya eat any of da bugs here?"

miinor_threat says: "Ok. Squee is one of the most awesome characters in MTG history. Like those two henchmen from Venture Brothers, Squee, Goblin Nabob is the perfect combination of expendable and indestructible. I forget how, but somehow he gained wolverine-type immortality regeneration and has since then survived unspeakably horrible death after death, from which he always returns smiling. He has lovable idiot flavor text, like in Bayou Dragonfly, Fool's Tome, and Horseshoe Crab. Sometimes he is flavor without text, like Recycle."

KrazyCaley says: "You know what makes me sad? There's no way to cast Squee from exile. They need to add that. Make it cost 7 or whatever, but this needs to happen. Squee has to come back from ANYTHING."

Example cards- Aluren, Dense Foliage

5 - Ertai, Wizard Adept

"Was that it?"

KrazyCaley says: "No one talks counterspell trash like Ertai. No one. He's countering your Fireball for 20 and yawning while he does it. He's actually kind of bored with you and your stupid spells. I mean, not that it's difficult for him to deal with you or anything, it's just vaguely annoying. I mean, Indra gets kind of close to Ertai-level disdain in Punish Ignorance, but so far she doesn't have the prolific output of the one and only Ertai, Counterspell Gun."

miinor_threat says: "Ertai's flavor text is legit. He is a typically condescending blue a-hole. I like Abeyance, Æther Flash, and Bloodrock Cycylops in particular. Look up the Tempest Counterspell as well. But Cales, if he's so smart why did he get corrupted? (See: Ertai, the Corrupted.)"

KrazyCaley says: "Straight-up betrayed by the Weatherlight and had to use black mana to heal himself. Poor Ertai. Instant he meddled with something that wasn't blue, things went south for him."

Example cards- Dismiss, Fool's Tome, Chill

4- Jace Beleren

"The mind: a great weapon and an even greater weakness."

KrazyCaley says: "The promising up-and-coming blue flavor text rookie. Dave will probably call him another blue a-hole, but Jace and Ertai can't help it if they are better than you. Jace is a bit more respectful than Ertai, but you can tell that he's laughing at you on the inside. He's polite on the surface, but he knows he's smarter than you are, much like The Doctor.

miinor_threat says: "Of course Jace is a blue a-hole. He's just an awesome blue a-hole. Jace, the Mind Sculptor is one of the most broken and poorly thought out Magic cards of this decade. Jace, the Flavor Sculptor, however, really gets the job done. His flavor text is hit after hit, Hive Mind, Illusionary Servant, Lay Bare, Mind Control, Selective Memory, the list goes on..."

Example cards- Lay Bare, Phantom Warrior, Summoner's Bane

3- Karn, Silver Golem *oversized*

"I am reminded of the fable of the silver egg. Its owner cracks it open to see what jewels it holds, only to discover a simple yellow yolk."

miinor_threat says: "I really connect with Karn as a MTG character. He is kind of a big deal in the multiverse, he was part of the Weatherlight crew, he was built by Urza, he is part of the legacy, he ultimately became a planeswalker, he created the Mirari, he created the whole friggin' plane of Mirrodin. His flavor text is that of a distant observer, a pacifist who is always part of a never ending battle. He is the philosopher of MTG. Take a look at Fireslinger, Fit of Rage, Intervene, and Scrivener.

My favorite Karn quote is some of my favorite flavor text of all time: Spellbook."

KrazyCaley says: "Consider the fable of the golem-philosopher, who made an unbelievable number of profound quotes, created a whole plane by himself, and then disappeared from Magic entirely for years until he was reprinted in Scars of Mirrodin as a planeswalker, probably."

miinor_threat says: "I agree, be on the lookout for Karn in Scars of Mirrodin. Protip: Look out for Glissa Sunseeker to show up as a planeswalker too."

Example cards- Fade Away, Spellbook, Humility

2- Ambassador Laquatus

"The first time was amusing, but now you're getting tiresome."

KrazyCaley says: "Ambassador Laquatus is a really effective ambassador, but not really in the ways you might think. If he were the American ambassador to Afghanistan, then right now the Taliban would be on TV drooling slightly out the sides of their mouths while saying "PRAISE AND THANKS TO OUR AMERICAN OVERLORDS. HAIL OBAMA," over and over again. Laquatus will wipe your brain; he'll scrub it CLEAN, in fact, and then he'll brag about it to his friends, or maybe make some sort of terrible pun about brain-erasing. The point is that Laquatus is a bad, bad man."

miinor_threat says: ""Hi, I'm Ambassador Laquatus, you may remember me from such acts of unspeakable evil as: Traumatize, and that time I betrayed the Merfolk to the Cephalids."

"Laquatus is as evil as blue gets. He has a laundry list of heartless flavor text from various eras in MTG. Envelop, Puppeteer, Sunken Hope, Syncopate, Telekinetic Bonds, and Laquatus's Disdain."

Example cards- Telepathy, Traumatize, False Memories

1 - Jaya Ballard, Task Mage

"Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire."

KrazyCaley says: "Ok, look. I'm very blue, we know this. But Jaya Ballard, the greatest pyromaniac the multiverse has ever seen, is unquestionably the Queen of Flavor Text. There is NO debate. None. Jaya's on half the damn red burn cards that have ever been printed, with equally hilarious comments to the one above. So yes. This is indisputable as far as I'm concerned, and if you think #1 should be anyone else, you are not only wrong, but probably on fire right now because of her."

miinor_threat says: "I'm not even gonna try to introduce Jaya Ballard, Task Mage, she's been KILLING flavor text since Ice Age, see for yourself: Burnout, Inferno, Lava Burst, Meteor Shower, Simian Spirit Guide, Sizzle, and Word of Blasting.

Now THAT is why she is rumored to have been Chandra Nalaar's mentor..."

KrazyCaley says: "Incidentally, the featured quote here is from Sizzle, the best flavor text ever printed on a card. Other than the original Counterspell, of course."

miinor_threat says: "I really hate you right now..."

Example cards- Inferno, Meteor Shower, Sizzle.

Join us next time, when KrazyCaley and miinor_threat bring you: The Top 10 Most Broken Legacy-Legal Cards.