Multiverse News Network- Gideon Jura announces in hour-long special that he will join the Eldrazi

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KrazyCaley

9 July 2010

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In an hourlong special on local Zendikar television, Gideon Jura announced that he would be ending his years-long commitment to the Order of Heliud, a multiplanar hieromancers' organization, to join the Eldrazi, a group of timeless and bizarre creatures, native to the blind eternities, of unimaginable power and nonexistent morality.

"I've decided......man, this is hard.....I've decided to take my talents to Zendikar to work with Emrakul, Ulamog, and Kozilek," said Jura. "I feel like this decision will give me the greatest opportunity to win now and in the future. And by win, I mean winning the souls of all beings across all planes for the Great Devouring. The time for harvesting has come. G'tekral Emrakul."

Jura's dissatisfaction with the Order of Heliud and upcoming decision to join another organization had the entire Multiverse in a buzz prior to yesterday's announcement. Jura had clearly been unhappy with the Order for some time, as was evidences by his pattern of recent behavior wholly inconsistent with the Order's ideals- just a few weeks earlier, Jura had bullied and taunted a wholly-innocent Baneslayer Angel into attacking him before brutally assassinating the tapped Baneslayer.

"BOO-YA," Jura was then heard to say. "WHO'S MORE EXPENSIVE NOW?"

Friends and family of Baneslayer Angel were quick to Condemn Gideon, not only by putting him on the bottom of the library when he turned into a 6/6 and attacked on the subsequent turn, but also with harsh words. Serra Angel, the mother of Baneslayer Angel, issued a harsh statement slamming Jura for his actions after he announced his decision to join the Eldrazi. "I thought my poor baby was supposed to have protection from Demons," she said, "and clearly this so-called holy man IS a demon after the horrible things he's done." Serra Angel then added that in no way did she contract Mr. Jura to Assassinate Baneslayer out of jealousy at being completely blown out of the water as the best Angel in every core set.

After the Baneslayer incident, many different interplanar organizations courted Jura's allegiance. Jace Beleren's Infinite Consortium was rumored to be a leading contender, and some thought that Gideon would reconcile with the Order of Heliud. Other suitors included noted Planeswalker Serra, for whom Gideon was said to be a great fit, and even the airship Weatherlight expressed interest in taking on Gideon as a member of their crew. However, in the end, the Eldrazi, with their nigh-invulnerability, all-consuming power, and great retirement benefits were enough to lure Gideon, whose casting cost has now changed to 15 colorless, is now called "Gideon, The Spiralling Grinder," and who has Annihilator 4 and destroys all other creatures when you cast him. "KNEEL," Gideon was quoted as saying. Rampant speculation is abound as to how this will affect the balance of power in the multiverse and the ongoing struggle to contain the Eldrazi on Zendikar, but so far no one can tell what the outcome will be.

As of press time, the whole incident, along with 90% of all news reported by MNN, was reportedly orchestrated as part of an intricate scheme by Nicol Bolas, Planeswalker.