KrazyCaley & miinor_threat Present: The Top 10 Most Brutal Plays Ever

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KrazyCaley

7 November 2010

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The Top 10 Most Brutal Plays of All Time

Pure brutality. What do we mean by brutal plays? We don't just mean plays that put up W's in the win column; we judge by a different criterion: sound volume at the play table. We're talking about the Magic plays that have caused the loudest groans, the most scoops, and the bitterest defeats of all time. These plays don’t just cause losses, they cause Magic retirements. We'll give you the Top Ten such plays in Magic history. But first, an Honorable Mention:

- Honorable Mention - Balancing Act ( Sensei's Divining Top + Counterbalance )

KrazyCaley says: "This is only an honorable mention because one doesn't really think of it as a "play" so much as a horrible, depressing, soul-crushing state of existence. Unless you're ready to concede, decks that get this out generally take about eight years to complete a match. Is it the end of your turn? Oh, hang on 10 minutes while I top and agonize over the order. Are you casting a spell? Maybe Disenchant to end the horror? Wait another 10 minutes while I top, consider putting one card on, then finally decide on, nah, another Counterbalance. Now I have a backup AND your Disenchant gets countered. But that's cute how you thought you might escape from the boring swamp of soul erosion. Have a nice day. I mean, I'm a Blue jerk, but at least when I get a lockdown going I don't spend hours agonizing over slightly different ways to kill you."

miinor_threat says: "This combo is brutal the same way an 18-hour layover is brutal, it manages to be boring and annoying at the same time. Not only is this an efficient control lockdown, but you have to sit across the table from some human-rain-delay as he tops for the 15th time and you slip into a deep coma."

KrazyCaley says: "And now, the top 10."

10 - The Perfect Wrath ( Wrath of God )

KrazyCaley says: "I have to admit that Wrath of God warms my heart more than it scares me. As a magic theory nerd who obsesses over things like card efficiency and card advantage, nothing does it for me like good ol' Wrath and its buddies. Normally, again, I am a compulsive blue player who loves countering spells, but there is a great charm to watching your opponent crank out seven aggro creatures, pretending to be scared as your chop blockers fall, and then tappin' four for Wrath. Like chewing Orbit gum, a perfect wrath gives you a good clean feeling- no matter what."

miinor_threat says: "In Magic, there are those who Wrath, and those who get Wrathed. Some people (like Caley) barely know what a creature is and spend their time sipping lattes and dealing death from their ivory tower of control. Other players, real players, summon hard working American creatures and try to get the job done on the ground. For us, there is nothing more painful than a perfectly timed or topdecked wrath. It can net massive card advantage and hit the reset button on an otherwise hopeless game. For all of you out there who have had victory snatched away by a well timed Wrath, we shall overcome."

KrazyCaley says: "I especially like it when, while I'm in my ivory tower, I have an actual Ivory Tower, reading my copy of Sarpadian Empires, Vol. VII, relaxing in my Seat of the Synod while I sip some Blessed Wine from my Chalice of the Void."

9 - The Multiplayer Kokusho Show ( Kokusho, the Evening Star )

miinor_threat says: "Oh Kokusho, you rascal, you just died and dealt 25 damage while netting me 25 life. What's that? You want me to bring you back so you can die over and over again?"

No single creature has caused more multiplayer hypertension that Kokusho. He is the very definition of Multiplayer SHENANIGANS. As guilty as I have been in my Magic career of Kokusho-ing the night away, I will be the first to admit he was poorly thought out and is rightfully banned in EDH. When Kokusho hits the dust, it's brutal."

KrazyCaley says: "I'm perfectly fine with crazy multiplayer cards like Breath of Malfegor and such. I am not fine with terribly broken ones that make you want to ask your opponent if he/she's ever considered trying to win an actual, legitimate game of Magic. The problem with Kokusho in some free-for-all format is that even if everyone knows you're doing Kokusho shenanigans (or "shenz," as we call them locally, e.g. “Wizened Shenz,”) and tries to kill you off the bat, you STILL have no problems. Oh no, I'm at 6 life! Let me just play a second Kokusho here, and, oh, awesome, now I have 56 life, and all of you just took 10. Thanks, guys."

8 - The name is clamp. Skullclamp.

miinor_threat says: "How miserable is it when your opponent drops a Skullclamp? I'll tell how miserable it is, it is the exact opposite of how awesome it is when you are Skullclamping the crap out of your own tokens. Drawing a massive 2 cards for the bargain basement cast and equip cost of this piece of work is ridiculous. 9 out of 10 dentists agree, back when it was totally legal it was the leading cause of "I'm never playing Magic again" in 10 to 60 year olds.

KrazyCaley says: "Did you know that Wizards did some errata on Skullclamp? In order to make the card more accessible to newer players, it now just says "1: Draw two cards." I mean, would it be all that different if the card said that? It's so awesome to be sitting across from it, watching as your opponent draws as many cards as they damn well please. And Dave may talk crap about Skullclamp, but the dude put it in an EDH deck along with Bloodghast, and he draws those two cards at the start of every. single. game. If I didn't invariably Jhoira of the Ghitu out a Thought Reflection on turn 4, it would be impossible to keep up with."

7 - Mage 4 Lage. ( Vampire Hexmage + Dark Depths )

KrazyCaley says: "Magin' and Lagin' isn't as soul-crushing and depressing as some of the entries on this list simply because your suffering ends so quickly. Still, it is quite brutal, and very much a common sight in Extended to date. The real problem of it is, of course, "ok, before your turn 2 ends, sac Mage, I get a 20/20 flying indestructible." For god's sake, you don't even have time to cast an Oblivion Ring to stop the damn thing. And of course, the people who do this ALWAYS have the Marit Lage token, and they always have it just to the side, taunting you."

miinor_threat says: "This play had gotten fairly common in the old Extended format of late, but it was still epic. Dark Depths is an awesome card, and let's be honest, we all have an inner 8 year old that wants to bring out a 20/20 flying indestructible lunch lady to wreck shop on Trent Bonnegan (or whoever used to steal your X-Men cards in 4th grade, maybe it was Trent, he was a total jerk.) For the record, I am old school with this play, and used to rock it with Aether Snap before Hexmage ever existed back when Magic cards were printed on papyrus and the stack was attributed to witchcraft."

6 - THIS....is my CHANT stick! ( Orim's Chant + Isochron Scepter )

KrazyCaley says: "Dave talks a lot of crap about me being a filthy counterspell-lover. 'Oh, Magic is a game about casting spells, and I think it's such crap that counterspells just keep people from having fun with the game.' I do actually agree though, Magic IS a game about casting spells. It's just that my spells keep your spells from going through, you know?

And in ANY case, a year or two ago, Dave built an honest-to-god deck that had Isochron Scepter and Orim's Chant in it ( RW Iso-chant ). He claims that that's not the real win condition, and that the deck is meant to win with Figure of Destiny and whatever, but come on. Realistically, on turn 3, he wants you to be completely unable to cast spells or attack ever again. You hypocritical bastard."

miinor_threat says: "Listen. I don't know what all the fuss is about. You just don't get to attack or cast any more spells for the rest of the game. You're just gonna have to quit whining and pull a little harder on your bootstraps to win."

5 - The 2-6 offense ( Bloodbraid Elf + Blightning )

miinor_threat says: "Bloodbraid Elf to Blightning in 2009 was like Joe Montana to Jerry Rice in 1989. Bad news for the other side of the field. I have been hit with this stupid cascade more times than I can count, mostly during that awful period when a Jund deck was like a facebook profile, it was weird when someone DIDN'T have one. Losing 2 cards before that anorexic elf hit the deck meant you probably lost the removal spell you had been saving, thus causing your eyes to roll back into your cerebellum as you scooped. "

KrazyCaley says: "This was Jund's defining play. Nothing was quite as brutal as taking 3, discarding 2, and getting hit with a hasty 3/2 that turn in addition to a Putrid Leech and a Sprouting Thrinax or something. That is, in my humble opinion, a pretty good value for paying 2 colorless, a red, and a green. I didn't quite have the same teh ph33r of this play that others had, but that was only because I mainboarded Swerve. And I did that SPECIFICALLY because this play was so filthy in standard (and so AWESOME when reversed with Swerve ) Let me tell you though, the times that I didn't have Swerve in my hand, I cried like a little girl."

4 - Ravager Affinity is Ravaging ( Arcbound Ravager )

KrazyCaley says: "Welcome to Affinity. Cascade was a somewhat-broken mechanic, of course, but Affinity was, as they say, "bah-roh-ken," which is also a really secret move that Ryu did in Street Fighter 2. If you do two 360 circles on the control and hit heavy punch and heavy kick at the same time, Ryu does this move where he gets out a 24/24 and kills you that turn regardless of whether or not you have any removal. "

miinor_threat says: "Affinity makes me nauseous. I look out the window and take a sip of my Fanta and 2 seconds later there are 16 ornithopters and 20 frogmites getting devoured by Arcbound Ravager while Disciple of the Vault does me 90 damage and goes on a date with my mom."

3 - Channel Fireball

miinor_threat says: "This is the original epic play. Old. School. This is the spell combo your grandfather used to defeat the British at the Battle of Hastings. Channel Fireball is a sick, epic, stylish finisher where you can toast your opponent and win with one life left like some Dragonball Z character who collapses from exhaustion after barely beating an enemy with a giant Kameha-meha."

KrazyCaley says: "Turn 2, bolt. Turn 3, you lose. This was the forerunner of all broken plays, the prototype from which others were wrought. Now, there were answers, of course, like counterspell on the Fireball, or (snicker) Healing Salve, or the classic and hilarious "in response, bolt" to force the draw. Still, though, the incredible epicness and pure brute force of this play merits it as a time-honored number 3."

2 - During Your Upkeep.... ( Mistbind Clique )

KrazyCaley says: "It's the end of your opponent's turn. He's beginning to achieve Faerie critical mass, and if you let him go another turn, he'll probably become unbeatable through having too much Spellstutter Sprite enabling, or getting down another Scion of Oona, or whatever. Fortunately, you have the answer, at sorcery speed. It's right there, in your hand, and you have the mana to cast it. Once you cast it, you will completely whoop the Faerie player's rump. In fact, you've been able to cast it for the past two turns, but haven't been able to because you've been repeatedly Mistbind Clique'd. You untap your permanents and hear those chilling words: "during your upkeep...."

In a rage, you throw down your hand and strangle the Faerie player to death. You go on the run and hide in a bad part of Mexico, drinking metallic water and trying to hide from the police and the narco gangs. Eventually you catch a boat to Thailand and get a job as a stevedore, unloading freight from the dock. One package catches your eye; someone in Thailand has ordered some Magic cards and is getting a shipment. On the front- Mistbind Clique. You swear that you can see it pointing at its own eyes, then back at you."

miinor_threat says: "I think of all the plays we have put on this list, this one is the most infuriating. You could be playing Magic against a Jesuit Nun and Clique in the upkeep would send her into a 3 day berserker rage. When faeries was the 800lb gorilla of standard, Spellstutter Sprite was the special forces and Mistbind Clique was the AC-130, pounding your mana depot turn after turn. With a deck as responsive as faeries was, losing a whole turn to the Clique was the beginning of the end."

1 - Armageddon

KrazyCaley says: "One of the rare occasions in Magic where windmill-slamming the card down may actually be required. There's not much to say about this play because it's just so very depressing. Makes you want to listen to some Radiohead. Maybe drown your sorrows in alcohol. You know, I've been thinking, and I'm pretty sure that we're not here on this Earth for any reason. In the wake of that Armageddon, everything seems bleak and purposeless. I should just accept that I'm nothing. Did you know he had a Crucible of Worlds out, too? I'll be in my room, turning the lights on and off and staring at a wall from one foot away."

miinor_threat says: "I think a giant church bell should toll 3 times every time this spell is cast. This is the most painful, disheartening, game changing spell in Magic the Gathering. Land is the building block of any magic game, late game fluidity is one of the most fun and dynamic aspects of a good game. Armageddon rips these things away, locks in anyone with an advantage, and sends the unlucky back to the stone age. Being on the wrong side of Armageddon makes magic really un-fun, which is the gold standard of brutal plays."

Hope you've enjoyed! Join us next time when KrazyCaley and miinor_threat present: The Top 10....uh.....indeterminate Magic-related things/concepts!