Shock Value

Features

masterpeez

2 April 2011

1961 views

A Flash of Incite

In general, most magic decks are true. However I must admit that most people who call their decks big or large, are in fact referring to other similarly-sized objects. Now, I've been playing magic the gathering for quite a long time now and I must admit that the game and I have a sort of mutual trust-relationship going on in which I dump my life, resources, time, pain, and love and in return I receive one copy of Jace, the Mind Sculptor. All in all, I have to say its a pretty sweet deal.
When I look into the eyes of the douche-bags that I play magic with in FNM tournaments, I get the jitters. Quite frankly, I loathe every one of them. I envision myself horrifically mutilating their flesh with a tire iron. It is these games that I usually lose. I attribute it to a loss of energy and motivation that I perhaps had when I walked into the room. Perhaps the affects of the two Full Throttle Energy ™ drinks I recently consumed is finally wearing off. Perhaps a nap is in order. However I stop myself from entertaining my most recent desires because of a deeper motive that pulls me through a horrible match up. (You do realize I am talking about magic the gathering?) Caused by a rupture in the skull, momentary glee is traded for the surfacing and surging and resurfacing of nonsensical deck ideas, I plunge through a gatherer search page, trying to find the finishing piece to the concepts that are floating in ever-connecting neurons in my cerebral cortex. That said, there isn't much that I don't try, except for heroin. That's just off-base.
I am peeved that wizards released Besieged. I wasn't ready. I was finally figuring out the meta and was brewing the most diabolical anti-meta deck that has ever been developed and it was going to be cheap, effective, and lovable. However the whole besieged shenanigans threw me off. I wandered into darkness, frequenting local bars and caves, checking in and out of derelict hotels and starting to really doubt my abilities and value as a person.
It was in this surreal, burned-out state of mind that I found the truth: Magic is real. These cards are mere objects and symbols of the true essence. I found my Chi and witnessed an explosive, surreal phenomena that blew my mind like magnets did when I saw those for the first time. I suppose the only way to express this in terms that the layman could understand is I did an Inception (Is the verb form to incept?).

The Best

There are a few cards that are my favorite cards in standard. They are: Bazaar Trader, Temple Bell, Slagstorm, Mind Control, and Necrogen Scudder. Yep. Those are them. I do find pleasure in these cards, each in a special and unique way and I hope to bring the reader to my level of ecstasy. Some these cards are no longer my very favorites for various reasons, but are no more than demoted to the rank of cards I find agreeable in certain situations or merely fun to have at a party.

Perhaps a Bad Idea

"I don't think that a leader can control, to any great extent, his destiny. Very seldom can he step in and change the situation if the forces of history are running in another direction. "
Richard M. Nixon

Instead of demanding a refund, I learn from the poor trades of my past. I've been ripped off many times and in turn have ripped off plenty of others, but no matter what the trade, I always feel jipped. Bazaar Trader is only a two drop, therefore I am running four. His problem is that he is only a 1/1. Weak. What does one do? Run something to protect him? Is he really that important? I am going to run some combination of Pyroclasms and Slagstorm. There is no getting around these necessary board wipes. What can one do with the trader? Take control of creatures and artifacts, but only when in cohorts with cards like Act of Treason and Metallic Mastery. I suppose if you really want to get complicated and are very lucky, you could draw a Liquimetal Coating and turn any permanent into an artifact to be picked up by the Metallic Mastery and taken for good with the trader. Way too complicated. I prefer kicking out the trader once and for all. BOOTED.
(Theoretically of course!)

Scuddering

"Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it."
- Confucius

Wait I take that back. Perhaps Bazaar Trader has never been a favorite of anyones. However I just remembered I am in strong favor of its favorability, and have therefore reserved a slot for it in the next deck I construct which hopefully will win a game or two because thats always a fun plus; sort of a bonus one might say. The meta can eat this and crack up with diarrhea of the mouth for all I care. The truth of the matter is, I find that there isn't a card that is too bad to be used, except for some, which find their fulfillment and completion in being awful cards. Some cards are meant to be bad. I learned this one day while I was trying to build a deck with the card Necrogen Scudder in a limited tournament. I developed a theorem that mathematically proves that in every situation of MTG gameplay, there is always a better card to have in hand than the scudder. But after further research I found my formula archaic and empty when compared to the greater concept revealed. What is a scudder one might ask? After a simple wikipedia search, I found a long list of persons and fictional characters that do or have at one point gone by the name of "Scudder". The following is a demographic compilation of all known Scudders:

Characters from literature named Scudder

1 A troubled homosexual
1 Angry, ranting journalist
1 Victim of murder
1 Carnival freak with healing powers
1 Private Detective
1 Background Character of minor importance

Persons named Scudder

8 United States Congressmen
1 Welfare Activist
1 Social Anthropologist
1 American Baseball Player
1 Blood Researcher
1 Sculptor
1 Icelandic to English Translator
1 American editor

(The mutual fund company that goes by the title Scudder Mutual Fund is hardly worth mentioning)
One cannot be surprised at the dismal list of career paths chosen by those who go by the name of Scudder. It is therefore fitting that card called Necrogen Scudder be so called. Hopefully the results of this brief study brings the reader, as it does to me, a clear sense of balance and order. That perhaps the Magic gods do in fact know what they are doing is a semi-pleasing thought. The depressing and debilitating stats and game text of the card called Necrogen Scudder are perfectly fitting, for if the card called Necrogen Scudder had the game text of say Avenger of Zendikar, the deeper laws of magic would be broken and we would find ourselves with not a game but a funeral in which we are all forever doomed to scuttle and skulk. After all, is it not the result but the process of magic the gathering that keeps it such an actively moving community and meta-universe?
(Perhaps this word scares you and for this I sincerely apologize.)

Temple Bell

"The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come, when in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin. When all is orderly he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered and his states and all their clans are preserved."
- Confucius

Don't think to hard about Temple Bell. I did once, and then there was an earthquake in Japan. This bell is good because you like it, your opponent likes it, its an artifact for you that is almost guaranteed to never be destroyed and therefore is an important piece to your metalcraft. Mastering the temple bell is a skill in itself. Ultimately you are the supreme controller of when it goes off and have to utilize it to simultaneously your best advantage and your opponents worst, but you knew that already. It speeds up the game, complicates the game, and makes a mess. Right now, its use seems limited to certain red combo decks, offbeat mill, and green-white turbo fog. However it begs the question, how could temple bell truly be advantageous, for purely its own sake? One must consider in what circumstances would it be advantageous to have a large hand, but in equal size to an opponents. (I am under the influence of a heavy dosage of acetaminophen, hence the semi-arduous comments.) This brings into light basic Magic theory, concepts such as the idea that the winning deck is the one that is able to have the largest amount of spells cast without being countered- and when I say spells and countering, I don't strictly mean blue counter spell, but the larger sense of the terms, such that for every creature cast by player A, Player B has to have at least the same number of removal spells or creatures that can block those played by Player A. It is when studying this that one realizes the true value of 2 in 1 spells and what makes planeswalkers so powerful. If one were to count every ability of every card as an individual spell, one will find that control decks have a ridiculously high amount. Aggro decks don't have to worry about the number of spells as much because their focus is more a question of time. "How many spells can I jam into the first 3 turns?" is more or less the goal of the Aggro deck. Of course they also find value in 2 in 1 spells, but only those which can be played in a small time frame of 5 turns or less. In fact, aggro focuses more on the cost-efficiency of cards, which has much to do with the fact that there isn't much mana to spare for the first 5 turns. Of course this is all theory and there are plenty of other factors at play, but this brings me back to my point, which is that in order for temple bell to be advantageous, the deck in which it is played must find a way to get more spells out than the opponent. Land destruction is an idea that I have considered many a time and does make sense; simply removing an opponents lands leaves them with a hand full of cards, but no way of casting any of them. The factor of cost can also be taken advantage of. Running a deck full of one and two drops is very advantageous for a temple bell deck because your able to cast far more spells than your opponent. This would work well with some sort of burn deck in which one simply loads up with temple bell, fires a flurry of burn at the opponent, and reloads. However the technique of which I have the greatest fondness is running plenty of 2 for 1s. Any planeswalker fits this category, but also cards like Into the Roil and Mind Control (which I will speak of later) are all under the label of 2 for 1.

Bad Weather, Bad Moods

"The cautious seldom err."
- Confucius

The greatest find I ever made was when I was 6 and discovered that I am one of the greatest. It is this discovery that still gives me comfort today, especially in MTG. Therefore, without a doubt, Slagstorm is the most powerful red card besides Koth of the Hammer (By the way, I am looking for a copy or two of Koth, and am willing to trade some pretty sweet cards, including a full-art black sun zenith won in a highly competitive game day tournament). Communication is an art. I'm not an artist. But Slagstorm is one of the most beautiful words I ever heard. Just say it, "Slagstorm!" I thanks the MTG gods for giving us this highly useful card that is able to crush just about anything in the meta, except for those despicable titans. There is nothing more fun than throwing wrenches into highly complex machinery and watching what happens. Slagstorm does just about that to just about everything. Perhaps you are familiar with its close relative, Pyroclasm. I find both to be quite useful in similar but different situations. As a whole, these cards can be cast as 2 for 1s or better (1 spell of yours taking out 2 of your opponents), which of course is very advantageous.

Controlling Things

“He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.”
- Adolph Hitler

I take it as a personal attack when someone criticizes the credibility of my deck-building theory or my fashion. Perhaps this can be credited to the immense hours and dollars that I invest into these particulars. I sometimes overreact and call people, "Dick!" but in every situation I hope to build bridges and flash my tits. As I mentioned above, Slagstorm can't stop Titans. In fact, there is virtually no red card that can efficiently deal with a titan. The idea is, if you end up having to spend over six mana (the cost of playing a titan), or use more than one spell you are in fact losing your advantage and eventually losing the game. That's why I Mind Control. Its a 2 for 1. It works as both a creature removal spell that can take out titans, and also as a creature spell, because now you have that awe-inspiring Primeval Titan, and having never in fact owned a card as expensive as a primeval, I always get the jitters when I steal it in-game. Things get more difficult with frost titans, but screw those dicks. If anyone ever plays a frost titan against me, all I do is scream bloody murder and pull out a jackknife, pounding it down, pinning the titan to the table. This prevents your opponent from tapping the titan, because the blade is so firmly implanted through the frost titan and secured into the table. I normally win these games, but I haven't seen anyone play a frost titan against me for quite some time now.

Temporary Conclusions

I don't write as a people-pleasure, nor a socialist, nor as an idealist, but merely to expound on my inner thoughts, and to shed a little light on the cloudy, murky depths of society. That being said, I would not be surprised nor disappointed in anyway if the themes expressed above were to incite certain persons to violent actions, and while I don't encourage this, I neither discourage it, for it is violent aggression against the norms of our time that will release energy into an increasingly sullen void that we laughably call "modern MTG culture". This blatant, rising truth is at the essential core of MTG playing. This is the first part of a two-part series. In the next section I will attempt to astound the reader with an unearthly deck that exploits the exploitable and degrades that which is biodegradable. Until then, I wish all MTG players the greatest of luck in their attempts to exchange bits of green paper assigned monetary value by those who own the country for the good of the people for bits of cardboard that are able to be played in a game of strategy and that are assigned monetary value by those gods that sell them for the good of humanity.
I am giddy with excitement over a certain, future sword: