Here it is, your favourite quasi-Aristocrat, quasi-combo meme deck brought back to life for Pioneer.
The game plan
Get a witch to throw a lizard into a pot and win. The trick is a) to live long enough to set up and activate this investment-heavy combo while
b) controlling the board state so you can
c) set if off repeatedly.
Far easier said than done, but we’ll give it a shot. The rest of the deck gets you card, board, and life advantages to keep afloat while you get your mad alchemy skills going.
Reasons to play this deck:
- You came across a YouTube video for a standard budget jank deck that was hilariously crushing the leagues way back in 2014 based on a brilliant Reddit post, and so want to rekindle this golden era in the dawn of Pioneer.
- You want to play a deck that’s fun while making interesting decisions constantly.
- You want to feel like a god when your plans come together.
- You want something that can be taken, personalised, and upgraded easily.
Reasons not to play this deck:
- You like winning. I mean it might possibly work, and I expect a cut if you win a GP with it, but the odds really ain’t in your favour.
- You don't like fun.
The core combo
A single activation of the Witch, Newt, and Cauldron, gives you 4 life, drains your opponent for 4 and gives a creature -4/-4 to boot. How's that for #value?
Festering Newt
x4
The core all-star player that at the very least take out a x/2 in a trade with it's -1/-1 ability. With the witch in play this ramps to -4/-4, taking out a lot of the opponent’s threats.
Bogbrew Witch
x4
A 4 mana 1/3 creature isn't going to set the world on fire. But it is a third of the core combo for this deck, fetches the other two pieces needed, and amps up our newts.
Bubbling Cauldron
x2
A specialised sac artifact that completes the core combo. At the very least, it can sac our other creatures for a solid whack of health to keep us in the game. Best case, it does the same and drains the person opposite you for a wedge. Two included for redundancy.
Creatures
Drainpipe Vermin
x3
A sac-fodder rat which has a nice cheap discard upside when it carks it. Value.
Zulaport Cutthroat
x4
Seeing as this deck actively encourages your creatures kicking it, this guy drains every time it happens. And it happens regularly. Value.
Grim Haruspex
x4
A thing dies, this happy chap gifts you a card. Rinse and repeat. Value.
Cartel Aristocrat
x4
A lean, mean sac machine that protects herself. She’s also a bear that has an entire deck genre named for her sake. What’s not to love?
High Priest of Penance
x3
Think of this guy as having deathtouch, but not necessarily for the creature in his path. Big threat on the board? Bye bye. Tricksy artefact ruining your plans? Gone. Enchantment locking down the board? No more. He gets plinked, something gets removed and your value cards get fuel.
Spells
Orzhov Charm
x4
The thinking person's toolkit. It can protect essential combo engine parts. It can take out a threat (and make you wince with the life loss). Most importantly, it rummages through the bin to bring out the newt you just threw in there so you can slam dunk it back in for profit. Reduce, reuse, recycle.
Pharika's Cure
x3
This is basically a
Shock
. Except it’s black, gets you life and costs twice as much to cast. It’s not really like Shock then. However, it can take out something smaller and obnoxious on the other side of the table. Or, friendly fire your own priest and take out something bigger. Up to you.
Gift of Immortality
x4
Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back. Perpetual motion doesn’t exist in science, but it does here. This brings back the stuff you need over and over and over. Slap this on a rat to reduce their hand to nothing. Put it on a priest to reload your defence plan. Enchant your value cards to keep the good times rolling. Most importantly, it gets your newts straight back in the game ready to be fired again.
Lands
Basic and cheap at this stage.
Concealed Courtyard
colour fixes early and
Temple of Silence
shows you what’s coming so you can prepare.
Sideboard
Still being worked on. Suggestions welcome.
