Kale: The Superfood; or How I Learned to Love BBWs

Commander / EDH RW (Boros) Theme/Gimmick Voltron

Gooter

Creature (23)

• 1x Aurelia, the Warleader
• 1x Avacyn, Angel of Hope
• 1x Bastion Protector
• 1x Boldwyr Intimidator
• 1x Borderland Behemoth
• 1x Brion Stoutarm
• 1x Burnished Hart
• 1x Desolation Giant
• 1x Duplicant
• 1x Elesh Norn, Grand Cenobite
• 1x Gisela, Blade of Goldnight
• 1x Hamletback Goliath
• 1x Inferno Titan
• 1x Iroas, God of Victory
• 1x Karmic Guide
• 1x Kozilek, Butcher of Truth
• 1x Mirror Entity
• 1x Solemn Simulacrum
• 1x Stoneforge Mystic
• 1x Stonehewer Giant
• 1x Sun Titan
• 1x Sunrise Sovereign
• 1x Urabrask the Hidden

Instant (9)

• 1x Apostle's Blessing
• 1x Boros Charm
• 1x Chaos Warp
• 1x Disenchant
• 1x Enlightened TutorGC
• 1x Overblaze
• 1x Path to Exile
• 1x Razor Barrier
• 1x Swords to Plowshares

Artifact (23)

• 1x Armillary Sphere
• 1x Boros Signet
• 1x Champion's Helm
• 1x Chromatic Lantern
• 1x Darksteel Ingot
• 1x Darksteel Plate
• 1x Hedron Archive
• 1x Lightning Greaves
• 1x Loxodon Warhammer
• 1x Mind Stone
• 1x O-Naginata
• 1x Pearl Medallion
• 1x Ruby Medallion
• 1x Sol Ring
• 1x Staff of Nin
• 1x Sunforger
• 1x Swiftfoot Boots
• 1x Sword of Fire and Ice
• 1x Tenza, Godo's Maul
• 1x Thought Vessel
• 1x Umezawa's Jitte
• 1x Vorrac Battlehorns
• 1x Whispersilk Cloak

Sorcery (5)

• 1x Seize the Day
• 1x Steelshaper's Gift
• 1x Vandalblast
• 1x World at War
• 1x Wrath of God

Planeswalker (1)

• 1x Elspeth, Knight-Errant

Commander (1)

Land (35)

• 1x Ancient Amphitheater
• 1x Ancient TombGC
• 1x Arid Mesa
• 1x Boros Garrison
• 1x Cavern of Souls
• 1x Clifftop Retreat
• 1x Command Tower
• 1x Flamekin Village
• 9x Mountain
• 13x Plains
• 1x Rogue's Passage
• 1x Rugged Prairie
• 1x Sacred Foundry
• 1x Slayers' Stronghold
• 1x Temple of the False God

Enchantment (3)

• 1x Grasp of Fate
• 1x Gratuitous Violence
• 1x Marshal's Anthem

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Sideboard

Artifact (3)

• 1x Dreamstone Hedron
• 1x Godsend
• 1x Sword of Feast and Famine

Sorcery (2)

• 1x Austere Command
• 1x Disaster Radius

Instant (3)

• 1x Argivian Find
• 1x Gods Willing
• 1x Orim's Thunder

Creature (2)

• 1x Kalemne's Captain
• 1x Taurean Mauler

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Maybeboard

Enchantment (5)

• 1x Aggravated Assault
• 1x Celestial Mantle
• 1x Nahiri's Machinations
• 1x Sneak Attack
• 1x Where Ancients Tread

Artifact (2)

• 1x Hammer of Nazahn
• 1x Key to the City

Instant (1)

• 1x Divergent Transformations

Sorcery (5)

• 1x All is Dust
• 1x Divine Reckoning
• 1x Fumigate
• 1x Open the Armory
• 1x Refurbish

Planeswalker (1)

• 1x Nahiri, the Harbinger

Creature (4)

• 1x Cataclysmic Gearhulk
• 1x Combustible Gearhulk
• 1x Deathless Angel
• 1x Odric, Lunarch Marshal

Land (1)

• 1x Inventors' Fair

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That's a HUGE bitch!

Kalemne is one of the most explosive commanders, due to her solid casting cost and that sexy double strike. With this deck, I'm trying to fatten her up, so there's even more of her to love.

The Dinner Guests Show

Kalemne's friends and acquaintances who are joining her for a meal; the dudes

• Aurelia, the Warleader She is Kale's bff; when they get together, they shut down all-you-can-eat buffets

• Avacyn, Angel of Hope She's the friend that's always there, lending support, propping Kale up, maintaining her self-confidence no matter how much she's eaten...there's a hint of lesbian attraction there, but Kale does her best to ignore it

• Bastion Protector She is the hot new girl in town that really wants to take over Avacyn's role as Kale's confidant, so she tries super hard to impress her, and forgets that there are other creatures that would maybe like to be indestructible too

• Boldwyr Intimidator This guy just happened to wander in off the street and sit down at the table a few months ago, and whenever anyone confronted him about it, he pointed at them, called them a coward, and threw dinner rolls at their face...he's been invited back every time since

• Borderland Behemoth Kale's second cousin from out of town, he's the life of the party as long as there's someone there he recognizes

• Brion Stoutarm He was Kale's commanding officer when she was in the service; he won't say why he was discharged, and the records are sealed, but everyone knows he was forcing goblin prisoners to play "Throw The Goblin Prisoner-Of-War As Hard As You Can At That Wall Over There"

• Desolation Giant Kalemne's ex; he will fight anyone at anytime in a vain attempt to win her back; Avacyn puts him in his place whenever possible, so he ends up driving around to random bars (our opponents' boards) and wrecking them to blow off steam

• Duplicant He's hilarious; he always kills some random creature before he shows up wearing it's skin like a suit; nobody knows what he really looks like, but the first time he came dressed as Emrakul, he was in for good; does a spot-on impression of Kalemne

• Elesh Norn, Grand Cenobite You know that really creepy looking goth chick that every group seems to keep around just so they can feel better about themselves by comparison? Ellie is that girl; fortunately, she's so clueless, that our opponent's creatures also feel worse about themselves when they try and bring it to her attention

• Gisela, Blade of Goldnight A pretty yet butch friend of Aurelia's that is constantly stirring things up at the table; she challenges the others to eating contests, and pours gravy on their food when they're not looking; Aurelia swears she's seen her and Avacyn stealing kisses when they think no one is looking

• Hamletback Goliath Uncle Ham here can't stop eating; If Kale doesn't finish her meal, he's the first one there waiting to pick up the slack; Stoutarm has been eyeing him from across the room, sizing him up and seemingly plotting trajectories

• Inferno Titan Kale's new beau; He's an amateur DJ/Rapper, and as soon as he hits the scene, he starts spitting fire; his catalogue is pretty extensive too, so each song (attack) is as good as the first

• Karmic Guide "She's a rich surgeon who is also super hot"; she is Sunny's (Sun Titan) alleged girlfriend that came along after he and Kalemne went out awhile ago; she appears in pictures on his phone and on his Facebook page, but whenever she is supposed to be somewhere with him, she always had something come up or "you just missed her"

• Kozilek, Butcher of Truth Nobody really likes him, they often talk about him behind his back, but he buys all the best food and drink on the menu, and gets the best tickets to games; a necessary evil

• Stoneforge Mystic The owner of the restaurant where our company assembles, "The SFM Bistro"; she inherited it from her aunt, along with a bunch of money, so she sort of treats it as her own personal hang-out and not a reputable business; she and Kale instantly hit it off, and now Kale has a reserved table and regularly gets comped meals; first turned Kale onto Sunforger and changed her life

• Stonehewer Giant Head waiter at "The SFM Bistro"; often neglects his duties and sits down to chat with Kale and company; makes a point to draw smiley faces and write his phone number on every receipt he hands to Kalemne

• Sun Titan He's the OCD nursing student Kale had a one-nighter with when she was going through a hipster phase; they became good friends, with minimal awkward silences shared, even when Kale started dating his roommate; he's always cleaning spills, handing out napkins, and offering coffee to anyone who's had too much to drink

• Sunrise Sovereign The patriarch of Kale's extended family, everyone calls him "Pops"; his raunchy stories and filthy jokes always set the tone for the evening's festivities

• Mirror Entity Started showing up around the same time as Duplicant, or was he there the whole time? Severe case of multiple-personalities, he can be your best friend AND your worst enemy at the same time. Shows up to the diner with ironically elegant masquerade masks, and distributes them around the table - making everyone look like giant versions of themselves

• Urabrask the Hidden DJ Inferno's manager; an expert promoter, he gets all the best gigs; he can spin any situation into a positive, and will sue anyone who tries to defame his client; may or may not provide illegal substances for the enhancement of his client's music and the enjoyment there-of

The Appetizers Show

These are the things that really get her going: mana rocks, lands and what-not

• Armillary Sphere grab mountains or plains or both

• Boros Signet Boros colors, duh

• Chromatic Lantern Lands also make Boros colors, duh

• Darksteel Ingot I'm sensing a theme here, duh

• Hedron Archive Mind Stone Ramp and card draw, both good things

• Pearl Medallion Ruby Medallion Makes our Boros colors things more affordable, again, duh

• Sol Ring Thought Vessel Should probably be in literally every deck, so, finally, duh

• Solemn Simulacrum Burnished Hart Dudes that get lands, pretty important in a multi-colored deck

• Ancient Amphitheater With 10 giants in the deck, it seems worth it; at worst it's a guildgate

• Ancient Tomb Temple of the False God Lands that tap for more than one mana at a time are generally considered good

• Arid Mesa Boros Garrison Clifftop Retreat Rugged Prairie Sacred Foundry The usual suspects when it comes to making Boros colors, I'm tempted to duh

• Cavern of Souls Almost always name "giants" for obvious reasons, but can name "angels" if Kale wants to invite her girlfriends Aurelia and Avacyn to the party and be sure their invitations don't get stolen and ripped to pieces by some jealous rail-thin blue skank

• Command Tower Alright, I'm doing it, duh

• Flamekin Village Slayers' Stronghold The village will almost always enter tapped, but it's still worth it; haste is necessary to pull off some of our surprises

Soup or Salad Show

The things that extend the meal; unnecessary until they aren't

• Steelshaper's Gift A hearty salad, if ever there were such a thing; a large selection of ingredient and dressing options; a staple at "The SFM Bistro"

• Vandalblast A signature chowder that comes in two varieties: "low-fat" or "extra-fat"; the "extra-fat" is ordered nearly twenty to one

• Wrath of God A fiery roasted chili; Kale has IBS, so she can often times clear the restaurant after a bowl of this hellish concoction

• Grasp of Fate A build-your-own-soup; comes with your choice of any number of ingredients; the catch is, you have to grab the partially-eaten ingredients from someone else's plate, which leads to a lot of people angrily attempting to flip the bowl over into your lap

• Marshal's Anthem An endless bowl of salad you can choose to split between your party, or just depressingly graze on by yourself

The Main Course Show

These are the meats and the potatoes; the things that get her fed and ready for bed

• Champion's Helm Adding +2 attack to a creature with double strike is basically the same as adding +4 attack, hexproof is also pretty good

• Darksteel Plate Being indestructible and bestowing indestructibility are both things all equipment should strive towards

• Lightning Greaves Swiftfoot Boots A lady can never have enough shoes, especially when they're purchased from Value Town

• Loxodon Warhammer +6 attack, trample and that tasty little nugget of lifelink, yummm!

• O-Naginata Not quite as tasty as the warhammer, but much cheaper, luckily our girl Kale ain't too proud for fast food

• Staff of Nin The trouble with a lot of dining options is you're hungry again soon after, this keeps the gravy-train rolling

• Sunforger This is Kale's all-purpose silverware, or Swiss Army knife; she takes it with her wherever she goes, it gives her +8 attack and the option to "press the 'Oh Shit!' button" and grab one of it's utility tools to take care of whatever problem she's having; see "The Magical Utensil" section for more

• Sword of Fire and Ice This is some of that new age food-science stuff that you don't understand, how can it be both frozen AND hot?!?...but it's totally delicious; 4 damage to creatures or players and draw 2 cards, seems legit

• Tenza, Godo's Maul Another dish from the far east, like the naginata, that's relatively cheap, but a little more filling, really sticks to her ribs

• Umezawa's Jitte If you thought she liked Asian cuisine before, hold on to your hats, cuz this one drives her wild! 4 counters every combat, 2 of which can be used before the second damage step for a net of 10 damage, and that's if it had no counters going in...this is so meaty, she often can't even finish the meal and ends it right away

• Vorrac Battlehorns No trip to Value Town would be complete without picking up one of these beauties, it also pairs very nicely with a certain God who loves to win.

Dessert Show

The sweet little treats that put the cherry on top of her meal; also known as win-cons

• Rogue's Passage Whispersilk Cloak The only thing scarier than a really hungry (lethal-damage-capable) Kalemne staring at you from across the dinner table (battlefield) is a really hungry (lethal-damage-capable) Kalemne staring you directly in the face because she was unblockable

• Iroas, God of Victory The deified embodiment of what Kale is all about: Winning; She prays to him before each meal, and he occasionally rewards her faith by dropping by for dessert; if she is wearing her ceremonial Vorrac Battlehorns , then he will magically conjure a cornucopia of cookies and pies to distract everyone else so she can finish the meal in peace

• Apostle's Blessing Razor Barrier They're more of a cornbread type dish; can be eaten with the meal, but are also sweet enough to end it if Kalemne is almost full; Sunforger is a great utensil to eat them with

• Overblaze The sweetest dessert on the menu at "The SFM Bistro"; if eaten with a Sunforger while paired with a Seize the Day , World at War or Gratuitous Violence, you WILL be saying "check, please!"

• Elspeth, Knight-Errant Her first ability is a main-course staple, nothing exciting, but it extends meals; her third ability was taught to her by Avacyn in exchange for things we can only speculate upon, and rarely makes it to the table except on special occasions; her second ability is the desert option, and even for as cheap as it is, it's still one of Kale's favorites (6 damage and evasion for the low cost of GIVING her loyalty, double yummm!)

• Seize the Day World at War Like a massively loud and echoing belch; gives Kale a second wind so she can unbutton her jeans and cram that last piece of pie in her face

• Gratuitous Violence Eliminates all "light", "lite", "low-cal" or "fat-free" options from the menu, so she can get all of the bangs out of all of her bucks; puts butter and/or icing on every dish

The Magical Utensil Show

Sunforger is Kalemne's favorite utensil; and for good reason

Here are all of the things that Sunforger can serve up by stabbing it into the menu (your deck) and ripping chunks of it out (searching out an instant and casting it for free)

• Apostle's Blessing Good for the early, mid or late meal; protects Kale from distractions while trying to eat

• Boros Charm This is more of an impulse order; when you just have a fleeting craving for something really specific, this can really hit the spot

• Chaos Warp Send a meal that doesn't agree with you back to the kitchen; the only problem is the kitchen staff tend to not give a shit, so they will replace it with whatever the hell they feel like.

• Disenchant Classic bistro fare; a palette-cleanser, done in sweet or savory versions

• Enlightened Tutor One of SFM's most recommended options for Kale; really brings out the flavor in many of the entrees

• Overblaze The best dessert is one you didn't know you wanted until they parade that cart out right when you think you're done eating; with a Sunforger in your hand (equipped to Kalemne, not actually in your hand), this is that dessert

• Path to Exile This is what Kalemne orders when she wants to have someone kicked out of the restaurant; it's a code word between her and the wait-staff, it means "give that guy a consolatory piece of pie and ask him to leave"

• Razor Barrier Another Apostle's Blessing for those who love to eat in peace, but don't want to seem uninteresting for ordering the same thing every time

• Swords to Plowshares Kalemne's code word order for "give that guy a gift card and ask him to leave"

Thanks for indulging my predilections towards plus-sized women and overly thematic commander decks!

If you have any suggestions for additions, please include what you would take out, and also a brief passage about how your suggestion would improve the fung shui of the restaurant.

Don't forget to tip your waiter, and Upvote!

Date added	9 years
Last updated	7 years
Legality	This deck is Commander / EDH legal.
Rarity (main - side)	13 - 2 Mythic Rares 35 - 3 Rares 21 - 3 Uncommons 9 - 2 Commons
Cards	100
Avg. CMC	3.65
Tokens	Emblem Elspeth, Knight-Errant, Experience Token, Soldier 1/1 W
Folders	decks i like, Commander, Cool decks, interesting decks!, Commander: Kalemne Voltron, Kalemine, Interesting Deck Concepts