Well, he wasn't always so Grim... He was a pretty happy boy until he had a tragic
Morality Shift
. But that's a boring story for some later prequel. Konrad became obsessed with immortality--but not really. He was more interested in things dying and coming back.
Necromancy
, You say? Well yes, and no. The Knight lived a
Tortured Existence
because he kept having a
Recurring Nightmare
about a sweet combo, but since that was banned in his format, he set out to find a replacement. I imagine he had plans for supreme power. Konrad planed to use his dark magic Tim powers to bend others to his will, but also wanted to be a
vampire
? It's hard to tell, since he milled himself out as a child. (Note: He promptly followed
it
up with a
Footbottom Feast
during his upkeep to close out his prepubescence with a solid victory)
He enlisted a
Pair
of
Demons
to help him get find the right cards. A They traveled from
Altar
to
Altar
and from
Crypt
to
Crypt
. Occasionally, they would stop at a
Tomb
as well, but the "or more" clause left them disheartened. Along they way, they cut through an
Army of the Damned
for better curve cards and
Grisly Spectacle
s as targeted removal was counter productive. Konrad had trepidation about his about his
Trepanation Blade
until it hit really hard one time and he kept it in. The Whole time they Traveled, Konrad Spent every morning staring into his
Mesmeric Orb
and every afternoon winding down his
Perpetual Timepiece
. He always wondered if his
Increasing Ambition
would cost too much, or if the value was there late game.
This is where I come in. I am a seasoned planeswalker who's deck building is known to be both humorous and cunningly powerful. My net-decking is balanced by my love of old card interactions and strange new lines of play. I had just got off the Golgari train, waiving fairwell to
The Gitrog Monster
--it was drying up even though it reined with the
Paradox Engine
decks... It was just too hard to explain to people HOW they were losing...and the same combos every single tiiiime! I digress. Off the Golgari Train and having had built ,,, and Mono-colored commander decks, who do I spy but
Konrad
in the
Black Market
arguing with none other than
Endrek Sahr
over the mana refund on Thrulls.
"These are not Eldrazi Scions, bub," Sahr Sneered.
"But if you know the right
gal
, they're twice as good!" Syr Konrad retorted.
I intervened, sensing that Konrad's magic was something special. He was looking to hire
Sorin Markov
to help him travel the planes, but Sorin was too expensive for a goofy Vorthos combo deck. I happily said I would help him find his combo pieces through the Blind Eternities if he promised to be the commander to my army when I was feeling like reanimator on steroids. Konrad had something he wanted to abuse and the black mana directed me to abuse him to get the job done.
Que Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams(are Made of This)
With that, I exiled his
Timepiece
, shuffled us up and killed all the other players in the vicinity.
I knew just the entities to visit. Along with
Endrek
, I Hired
Massacre Girl
because we needed at least one more board wipe and a
Sewer Nemesis
that stays latched to my head while I think... Konrad tells me it helps him concentrate. He also tells me to ABM (
Always Be Mezzing
)which is great unless facing down a scarier graveyard army. First we traveled to Tarkir where we convinced
Sidisi, Undead Vizier
to be our Vizier instead of
Dragonlord Silumgar
's. With her able to fetch combo pieces, (and easy to
Reanimate
), we were on to the next!
We then went to New Phyrexia where
Geth, Lord of the Vault
met us with open arms. We refused the hug, but he joined us anyway... he may be too clunky for the final build, but he was a good segue to a truly important find: Geth showed us the
Beasts
and
Artifice
of the Swamps of Nin. The Mantle particularly pleased Konrad, as I explored the many Non-bos with the Devourer.
Next Stop was Innistrad where I greatly wanted to avoid
Gisa and Geralf
who would try to take My new commander and put him in their ranks. Sure, blue has counters and better mill options, but who would want to be one of the 99 when you can be the commander? We were there for two things: One, to hire the value engine named
Mikaeus
and Two, to find a
Gravecrawler
as they have nearly limitless zombie crawling energy. With the
Phyrexian Altar
we already discovered, we had our first Combo: Gravecrawler + Phyrexian Altar
+ Any Zombie would allow
Bad Boy Konnie
to decimate other planes walkers. You'll notice that I purposefully never told Konrad about Triskellion. A fair point, but
Frogger
had laid that one to rest a hundred times to the groaning of all, including myself. It was time to do things with a bit more flare (flair? I never know which one to use).
Having
Pope Zombie
along for the ride opened a lot of doors, but the only one that seemed really great to me was my old friend
Puppeteer Clique
, who I resurrected from the bad rares box for not being
Vendilion
enough. Combo #2: Mikaeus, the Unhallowed + Puppeteer Clique
+ Any place to do
Sacrifice
. Though as I write this I think I may need some
creatures
to
do it
for me...
We traversed some other planes to gather various synergy pieces... so many there were! Zendikar provided
ramp
AND
creatures
while
others
provided
draw
off the deaths we had preplanned. A gravepact or similar effect should definitely be made some day, but for now, we remained somewhat kind in our dominion over other's board state. I also knew how much Konrad loved vampires, so I grabbed a
Bloodchief Ascension
as a little surprise if he ever made it there. I also found a
Mindcrank
in a random pile of MM chaff. It may replace
Mesmeric Orb
late game as my preferred mill search. (Also Combo #3:Bloodchief Ascension + Mindcrank
will kill everyone without Konrad, but it's a moon-shot)
It was here that I remembered (for sake of story) The short-lived experiment that was my supposed mono-black commander. He was full hype, with similarly outrageous plays, but no matter how I tried to build him, he came out black-good-stuff. He would fit perfectly in this deck and he was well versed in the ways of combo, so we traveled to Dominaria to a time when
Kerrick
was still alive. Another Phyrexian to avoid hugging. He was quite the wheeler-and-dealer in those time-rift days, so I played it cool:
"I want your best Black Staples and some Unassuming Jank Combos"
K'rrik replied with a grind and a hiss: "Have you considered the newly vacated
Bolas's Citadel
? It may help with your garbage land base and precarious draw engines.
Necropotence
is a staple for the latter issue as well."
"I'll take both," I frowned, "but you don't have to be so hurtful about it."
"Due to
Necropotence
being old, I get two triggers off discarding creatures and then exiling them"
Konrad
whispered to me as we bumped knuckles under the table.
"Back to the matter at hand," I said, "I want you in my 99 and I want something goofy to be the point of all of this."
To which the Son of Yawgmoth only replied with an enormous, pointy grin. He lead us down a
Tombstone Stairwell
and I replied "Sweet late-game closer!"
To which Kerrick offered, "If you like that, can I interest you in an
Inverter of Truth
?"
"Isn't that pretty bad to draw early?"
"You asked me for Jank combos--I just saw some synergy."
"Fair."
We continued on, narrowly missing falling victim to the
Ritual of the Machine
for flavor wins and
Sadistic Hypnotist
for more interaction. We did pick up
Phyrexian Scriptures
, as Kerrick is obligated/programmed to talk about his "religion" if he spends more than an hour with you.. It also seems to do everything we want to do and NOT kill our own graveyard. Also, I like the art.
Finally, we arrived. There sat the two Jankyest mofos I ever laid eyes on, playing MtG at an
Altar
. I almost slapped
K'rrik
, but I didn't, 'cuz, you know:
Spikey
. But I had to say something: "You know I'm all for Urza's block uncommons, but this is ridiculous! I might as well add some
Swamp
s to my territory or a
Dark Ritual
if I wanted ramp, Isn't that right Konrad?"
But
Konrad
was silent. He stared at the Jank creatures intently. He had an Idea.
Can you guess the Creatures that make the central theme to this deck? Show
Konrad
walked casually up to the first creature. The
Cathodion
looked up from his Tron turn-3 victory. "Can I help you?" he chirped? Konrad just stared at him... Grimly...
...
"Yup," He said as grabbed the
Cathodion
by the stupid head and smashed him into the
Ashnod's Altar
. Robot parts and colorless mana went flying everywhere. He pulled out the
Nim Deathmantle
that he had been wanting to abuse since scene 4! With that, the Cathodion came back as a zombie in the mantle, only to be promptly smashed over and over again into the Altar. Each time, gaining a colorless mana in the process. "Infinite Energy!"I exclaimed. "And infinite Damage!" Konrad added. We laughed an evil laugh an the other Creature at the table joined in--probably because he just won due to forfeit (The Zombie Cathodion counts as a new Cathodion). We fell silent and stared at him... Grimly...
This is when it was my turn. I grabbed the
Priest of Gix
by the pants and threw him onto the Altar. When he came back, he produced us a free Black energy source each time, but again, the mana was redundant with Konrad around. "
Phyrexian Altar
would work just as well," K'rrik said, trying to stay relevant to the premise and sealing his place as the lovable rascal character.
With that, we were off to buy or dig out the rest of the deck from other piles. Alpha Build will see its first non-hypothetical play 10/13/2019.
Thank you for reading!
I Just got the writing bug and this was my
Muse
and my First Primer(ish). This deck is in no way optimized. Outside the goofy story, I want it to be able to stand up to my other Mono Decks (they should be listed on my profile, if you're interested), so I think I'm coming in low and going to ramp it up.
Comments and Suggestions for cards, combos, and Konrad-style corn holing are much appreciated!
